Kellermans Diary
by MarthaSavage
Summary: They taught us that there are no problems that cannot be solved. Until now I believed it was the truth.But here I am sitting late at night trying to fall asleep... And some thoughts come to my mind.
1. Chapter 1

They taught us that there are no problems that cannot be solved. Until now I believed it was the truth.But here I am sitting late at night trying to fall asleep... And some thoughts come to my mind. Somebody could suggest that I just should go to psychoanalyst... But I just can't go there. So I opened my computer , made a safe file and write ...  
I thought that when I just write I could feel better for I have nobody to really talk to. I never needed somebody like that until now.  
For few days now I've got that terrible feeling that something is damned wrong. But I just don't know what. There are some memories of days I thought I've completely forgotten. There are some words which just make me think...  
I wasn't taught to think ... I was taught to kill. The only one thing I really know is the DRILL... Following the ORDERS was all I wanted to do...It just doesn't leave the place for thinking. And I didn't want to think...

And yet, few days ago I got the order to exterminate someone... I almost protested.  
But in fact it has started earlier. For last few years I've devoted my life for serving one person I thought was really serving the country. She was someone I admired , I was proud of...someone I truly loved. But she had changed. The higher place in politics she gained the more she changed. And when I finally helped her to get to the highest place she has just put me off.I understood that being who she was , she just couldn't spend the time with me like before but I felt that my reports should be given to her. Suddenly it came clear that she thought differently.  
I had no longer been her guard. I was given orders from somebody else. But those were still orders I had to follow.

When I was told to keep an eye on Sara Tancredi I did that without asking.  
Every time I had to change my personality I was like an actor playing the role. But this time it's different. I meet with her and smile to her. I do the shopping with her, eat with her, listen to her problems , fears...And every time I lie to her I just feel that there is something terribly wrong. Oh.. I do my job. Of course I do. I have been always following the orders. I always believed that what I do is for the greatest good - for the country. But what's good in fooling young , lost woman ? What is good in finally killing her because I am almost sure that it will be ordered.

Last night we have been sitting in her flat and having a supper I made for us. She thinks I am a homosexual that's why she trusts me. We were sitting there and laughing from something I even don't remember and in one moment I almost told her who I really am. I shook me so hard that I had to leave. She thought she said something wrong, that it was because she is a woman and she had touched me. She is right in some strange way. It was because she is a woman. A first woman for a long time talking just about simple things with me. First woman for a long time I made a supper for. A woman who reveals her secrets to me. And I am going to betray her.

I didn't mean to hurt her. I really wished she just have told me what she knew and I... But she was fighting me back. And for that I admire her more. I was ordered to kill her and I could do it different way but... I couldn't watch her dying. I tortured her ... and I left her drawn... I had to follow orders even if it was just killing me. But she was strong. She had escaped and even I was really mad at her for nobody had escaped me before I felt proud for her.

When I left her in a bathtub I turned the TV on loud. I didn't want anyone , even ( or probably especially) me to hear it.I sat on the bed and all the good moments with her had passed before my eyes. Her smile , her tears... her touch...If I just could turn the time and tell her everything about me than. But the order is the order. Another death shouldn't make a difference... but it did. I suddenly felt like it was one death to much...

Of course I will find her and kill her. I will. I will kill the only person that laughed with me . I was trained for that. I was taught not to feel . Orders are the orders and no one can question them.

I was forgotten so easily... And now I was ordered something I know is wrong. Something they want me to do and after what they will erase me . I know the drill. But I don't trust them any more. I won't follow their orders. Not the way they think I will. She ruined my life and I will ruin hers. I am able to do it. I know everything about her. I will do what I have to do to exterminate her . To erase her from my live as I erased her from my heart.  
I know what I should do. I will help the last people I would help just few days ago. We have the same goal now. Get the bitch.

They don't trust me... I wouldn't trust me either. I am the one who ruined their lives. The one who killed their beloved. Put them in jail. And here I am with a gun in one hand and a plan . But I want to help them . Sometimes deep inside I hope that she will call. She knows my number. That she'll call and tell me that it was just mistake and she wants me back. But in reality I know that even if she calls it will be just a trap.  
Sara wants me death. I understand. And I know I will have to kill her for to safe my life. She tried to kill me and she almost succeeded. Funny for someone like me to be killed by a woman knowing nothing about killing.

They almost got me... For a little moment I really thought that it was her.I n the moment of desperation I wanted to trust her. I really wanted. But than it started to be to bright. Than I realized it was a trap. Now there is no way back. There never was. I was just hoping...

They don't need to be afraid that I will betray them. The only thing I really want now is to help them because it will help me. I will gain my revenge by them and I will watch her going down with a smile on my face.

"She must have hurt you much"... Linc has the way of thinking and saying things that make s everything so straight. "She must have hurt you much"... Of course she did. Nobody had hurt me so damned bad. That's not that I proposed to her and she just said no. She had given me hope, she gad even promised some things ... and after a little while she just erased me from her life , from my life... She made me a ghost ... Last years were erased from all documents. My name was erased... After all those things I have done for her...

I must have been blind for not seeing all the crap that was going on.

And for the first time since long Linc made me think of my sister. The person I left behind. The person who really truly loved me all those years. If I live ... I will come to see her.


	2. Chapter 2

They had left me there... She had left me there... They don't need me anymore... Well I don't need them either.

I know what to do to get my revenge. I am going to do the only thing I really can . I bought a gun... Bought... you can say that...

I have a plan... Sounds like Michael, doesn't it ?... But in fact I do have a plan. I went to my apartment and took my suit. I am going to see that bitch ... she doesn't need to see me... I know really well how her security works. I took them in ... I taught them... trained them... I have nothing to lose. But she does. And at the end of that day she is going to lose everything .

I went to see my little sister ... Kristina ... She really loves me and I don't understand why. I had left her with our crazy mother and father caring about nothing else but getting drunk. I thought that I couldn't bare it any more and left her behind... Ten years old girl... She should hate me but no... She welcomed me into her life like I was never left.

I didn't want to cry on her shoulder... But I did. I said my sorry and she just cuddled me close and said that it didn't matter to her what I have done if I came back. And I couldn't tell her that I just came to tell her good bye. I will never see my little sister again for I am not going to stay alive long enough to see her again.

And here I am again... Nothing works for me today... In fact nothing works for me for a really long time. But today... I bought a gun... I've said my good byes... I went to the place where I could easily shot that bitch Reynolds... I have killed the man guarding the place just to have the clean shot. And when I got a clean shot finally Michael appeared ... I couldn't spoil his plan... They just deserve freedom. I left the gun there , went down the building and here I am sitting in my apartment and crying over myself. I wanted a revenge... I didn't get it. The only one thing that is left for me is to go down proudly. For my pride is the only one thing left.

I watched her in TV telling the news about the cancer and giving up presidency... She made her choices...

I have to do mine...

My uniform is on the bed. I've checked every part of it. My decorations and medals are in boxes on the shelve. The last time I was proud I was serving my country -The Rangers...

For more than ten years I believed that I served my country. That every order I followed was given in the name of the greatest good. I believed that even those deaths were for the country. Lies... Betrayals... Murders... And it appeared that I believed in nothing but lies... And so I am left with nothing but lies... I am left with nothing.

I wrote a letter for my sister for they surely will call her and she will need an explanation of my move. I read it again just a moment ago... I hope she'll understand...

My hands are shaking... It took three envelopes to address the letter... And now I just prepare for the thing to come. They say it doesn't really hurt when you shut at your head. Probable the death comes so quick that you don't even feel a thing. Just the end. Darkness... Coldness of a steal on my skin... Will there be peace and quiet or just nothing at all...

A letter left on the shelve:

_Dear sister,_

_I am sorry for all the things I've done. For leaving you there , for leaving you now. There is not live for me now. I had lost everything I believed in. And I've done things... Terrible things believing it was for the greatest good. It all appeared to be nothing. For I am left with nothing. The things I've done are hunting me. I can't find a safe place form myself . And for that I decided to do what have done. I hope you'll forgive me one day. _

_Your brother,_

Paul Kellerman 

And again left with nothing...Even my gun had betrayed me... I stood by the mirror. I saw the fear in my eyes. It was fear... I had to take a deep breath and I rose my hand. The coldness of the steal... I didn't hear the shot. For the short moment I thought that I just died instantly and that was why I didn't hear it. Than it came clear that I am alive...

Even my gun had betrayed me...

She came as fast as she could. I called her ...I called me little sister... But to say the truth I wanted to call someone else...But would she come ? Even if she was free ? And even if she came ... what she could offer me ? What she would say ? She loves somebody else and hates me.

When my sister came I just could cry on her shoulder again. And she - my young sister - told me what to do. "Undone the things you've done wrong. There is always a way"

So, I am going to undone the things. From the moment I realized what I should do I know it will bring me death. I don't need to fear the live in prison. I will never get there.

If I get the chance to write more I will if not...

At first I thought I would just erase the folder... but now I know what to do. There is a side... I know the address and probably he will let her read it. I will put it there.

I hope I will have the chance to tell her that I am sorry.

It's time . I had started it and I can finish it.

It's time...

In French Resistance it was considered as the highest honour to look at the faces of the killing squad. It was the greatest bravery to smile when they shot...


End file.
